By Priyanka Hardikar
When I reflect on the past two years of transformation, I can place just how dark my thoughts and emotions were – and how I once gave into them because I had not yet learned how not to. I remember someone I love telling me: “You’re not a roulette wheel, P. You have control,” and it’s something that has replayed in my mind many times when I felt consumed by my emotions.
On my whiteboard, I have two phrases up, and both have to do with the impermanence of our emotions, feelings, and moods. Both have to do with coming from a place of loving.
“Always remember, no matter what mood you’re in, your true nature is love, and anything else is temporary.”
“How I feel is now, not forever.”
I wrote them down so long ago I cannot place a date, but they have served me well. They have carried me through the occasional stormy nature of my emotions and brought me back to my natural state of calm. Today I honor who I am and the world that exists within the depths of my mind. I would have never described the place I reside in as beautiful but today I see that it is; my mind is truly a beautiful place to be. It’s just that sometimes the air can get polluted by my overthinking or anxious thoughts. But when that happens, I have learned to step away, to stop standing directly under those sources of pollution, and to find a cleaner, fresher perspective of life. Nothing falls apart if I pause and take a break.
Today I recognize that I create my own reality based on my perception. I choose how to live – whether it’s through the lens of love and authentic freedom or something else. I have power over how I respond to what happens around me and within me. When something upsets me, it’s not about the other person – no one can make me feel anything. The other person is just triggering an area inside of me that requires healing. Every conflict I feel inside I have the ability to resolve.
It took me a long time to understand that feelings aren’t good or bad; they just are. There was a time when I felt my emotions were against me, and I would’ve done anything to escape myself and my thoughts. But today I see that my feelings are just helping me process the world around me and where I stand in it. I have the freedom to choose how I respond to any given situation, and that is the most exquisite truth there is.
There are still moments today when I want to self-destruct, when I feel overwhelmed by my anxious thoughts, or when I have a deep sadness for life. And that’s okay. That’s normal. That’s a defining aspect of being human, of being alive. But the wonderful thing is, no matter how low I feel, I know it will pass. I have faith – and proof – that I will feel better. Because I am learning every day how to love and honor the many shades of me and the dignity of where I am in this moment. I am learning what it means to hold space for myself without judgment, no matter what I feel. I am learning that just like the moon, I, too, go through phases but it doesn’t change who I am. I am worthy, I am whole, and I am complete – in all the shades of me.
When we don’t feel good enough, we tend to see the worst in ourselves.…August 10, 2021
What makes us vulnerable and the courage it takes to expose our authentic selves.April 3, 2021