by Angie G.
There’s a lot of talk on TV, in internet forums and on blogs about relationships; some humorous, and some really serious discussions about the great divide between men and women. Joking or not, a lot of us really do want to achieve some level of clarity through the exchange of information. As women engaged in the discussion, many of us often find ourselves in complaint about those things that we find annoying, disingenuous or just flat out pathological in the opposite sex. Others sincerely want to understand why they do what they do so that we might be more successful in our relationships, so it’s really no surprise that everyone and their mama has suddenly become an expert and are willing to sell us the “secret” to finding that perfect relationship.
My take on it? I’ve personally come to the conclusion that I don’t need to figure it out. Some things don’t really need an explanation. Me knowing the “why” of it all, particularly as it relates to men, changes nothing. I have chosen to stay in my lane and not sign up for the story that I need to understand them in order to accept them or be happy with them. For me, there is no great mystery to solve. They just do what they do. I just do what I do. It just is what it is, and I accept that. Now of course, some behaviors are acceptable to us and some are clearly not. And as puzzling as some of the behavior may be, is it really necessary for us to know why? After years of grappling with this subject with limited results, why do we continue to seek answers?
I’ve talked to a lot of women about this subject and most have been very vocal about their reasons for trying to solve the great mystery that we have created men to be. Many say that their intention is to understand so that they can make better choices in the types of men they date; be more loving and supportive in their relationships; or more simply, so that they can stop being frustrated by the behaviors that often baffle and annoy them. All they want, they say, is to achieve a more harmonious co-existence. But, what I often hear in these conversations is that there is something inherently “wrong” with men that must be tolerated or fixed. It seems like the frustration that many of us feel does not come from our inability to understand men, but from our inability to make them change! Simply put, it is a non-acceptance of what “is”, and we are often completely unaware of the energy that it carries: judgment, blame, frustration and resistance.
Relationships can be challenging, but maybe it isn’t necessary for us to figure men out in order to improve the quality of our relationships. Maybe the only understanding we need is the understanding that we could do a lot to transform our relationships by just accepting men for who they are, without believing that they should be different in any way. And perhaps the real challenge for us is not so much about having an understanding as it is about us simply allowing what is to be; and then taking ownership of our own choices.