More often than not, we look at love as being some huge prize reserved for those of us who are good enough to deserve it. We have to be lucky enough, pretty enough, smart enough, sexy enough, patient enough and kind enough. As a result, we spend an awful lot of time attempting to master those things we assume will get us that prize.
But eventually something happens. Some of us begin to notice that we aren’t winning. We assume that somewhere, somehow, something went wrong. We go back over our list and check off all the things we’ve done to better prepare ourselves for the competition, and come to the conclusion that we haven’t done enough. So, we up our game. We read more books, attend more classes, diet more, exercise more, and find new ways to improve our appearance. And in the midst of it all, are the firm declarations that we are only doing it for ourselves, not because we believe that if we get “better”, we will finally be good enough to love. But sometimes, just sometimes, that’s a lie.
It’s a lie we tell ourselves because we have learned to mask our fears. We have learned that strong women know their own worth and don’t need validation from others. But there is a deeper truth behind that story; and that is we often do want the validation. We want to be recognized. We want to be acknowledged and we want to be chosen. We want to be good enough to love. But we can’t say that. We don’t want to look like we care that much. We don’t want to appear weak or needy, because being weak is for losers. We want to win. And when we do, we want to accept our prize showing the world that we were always confident in our ability to have it. Now, that is not to say that every good thing we do for ourselves is to get love and approval from men or from anyone else, for that matter. What I am saying is that if we are honest, we would admit that a lot of what we do actually is.
Although there are many who would proudly proclaim that they don’t need or even want the validation, there is still that quiet whisper of those who are not quite so convinced. And they are ashamed; ashamed of their desire to be loved or of their fear of not being good enough. So, let’s start having more real conversations-not just the ones where we tell one another how great and powerful and worthy we are. While we are all of those things, there are times when we are also afraid and unsure and vulnerable. And it is during these times that we should be able to simply say, without judgment, “Sometimes, I feel like I’m just not good enough.” We don’t need to hear how smart or pretty or talented we are and we don’t need to hear what we could do to make ourselves better. We only need to hear, “I know how that feels.”
– Angie G.